The Menno News Dear Abe |
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Dear Abe:
I just started a new job a few weeks
ago which requires me to put in very long hours. On top of that, I have countless
chores that I have to complete each day. I’m beginning to feel like I can’t
keep up and that I’m losing control of my life. I don’t sleep much at night
because I worry about what I have to get done the next day. Do you have any
suggestions as to how I can cope with the stress?
Stressed Out, Elmira, Ontario
Dear Stressed:
First, you have to prioritize your life.
Determine those activities that are most important and those that can be addressed
later. For example, your lawn should be at the top of your list. You don’t
want friends and relatives walking by your house and saying, "John sure
is sure struggling to keep up nowadays". Having a dirty car also shows
to others how badly you are doing. It also helps to complain a lot. Ranting
about seemingly insignificant things such as the temperature in the church
sanctuary shows others that you are concerned about the details. Complaining
also gives you the reassuring feeling that most of your life is beyond your
control and that nothing you do or say matters. Finally, I suggest that you
invest in a few children. They may be quite a hassle to care for early on,
but turn out to be excellent car washers and hedge trimmers as they grow up.
Not being of Menno
blood, I don't really know what your faith is about. Could you explain to
me exactly what a 'simple lifestyle' means?
Curious Catholic in Kingsville, Ontario
Dear Curious:
I had the same question asked to me by
the son of a rich doctor from Toronto. I had to explain to him that although
hiring 2 maids and a butler would in theory make his life simpler, it did
not make for a"simple lifestyle". Simplicity means that you appreciate
and take joy in a life free from joyor excitement. Watch old TV shows. Only
buy day-old donuts from the bakery. Read old magazines instead of new ones.
Drive a pickup instead of a convertible. Save coupons for items that you'll
never use. Learn to can pickles. Do these things and smile, even though what
you really want is your neighbour's jet ski. And don't forget the most important
Mennonite rule in life: justify any expensive purchase by saying that you
worked on a farm when you were a kid.
Dear Abe:
I am not one of those people you would
call drop-dead beautiful. But I’m no troll either and consider myself average-looking.
I work hard at my job to get things done quickly and skillfully. But sometimes
I feel that those who are more pretty or handsome get treated better than
I do. Supervisors are friendlier to them and coworkers treat them with more
respect. They have a better chance for promotion as well. It all seems so
unfair. Is there anything I can do to improve my situation?
Hit With the Ugly Stick, Leamington, Ontario
Dear Stick:
Over the years, I have met a lot of good-looking
people and a whole bunch of ugly ones. I think that the ugly ones have more
fun. Beautiful people get stared at all the time, work tougher jobs and always
have people trying to get them in bed. When you’re ugly, no one bugs you.
Also, when you’re good-looking, everyone thinks that you must be stupid. If
you’re ugly, they assume you’re smart unless you do something stupid to change
their mind. I’m no ravishing hunk myself, but the way I see it, no matter
how good-looking you are now, you’re going to be ugly some day. Those who
are ugly now have just gotten there sooner.
Dear Abe:
Every year, I get terribly depressed
during the winter months, especially around Christmas. I went to a doctor
who said that low sunlight levels during the winter causes a depression condition
called S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and that I may have it. What do
you think?
Seasonally Sad in Lancaster, Pennsylvania
Dear Sad:
There's going to be a lot of smart people
who will tell you all sorts of smart things. I am not one of those people.
However, I say you look at it the way those Science guys do: what is different
in the winter from the summer? You guessed it, no field crops. Seeing that
blanket of snow where there once were rows of big red tomatoes makes me teary-eyed
too. I suggest that you quit your job and start working in a greenhouse. Nothing
will boost your spirits like seeing all that produce warm and safe from the
cold winter air. And you won't have to worry about a farmer's tan, either.
Dear Abe:
I am 22 year old male from London, Ontario.
I would just like to thank you people at the Menno News for your help in getting
me through everyday life. You see, I am having woman problems: I can't seem
to get them to relate to me. One day in my electronics class, one looked at
me, but I just didn't know what to do. If you could forward this message to
Abe or Gertrude, that would be great. Thanks again.
Lonely in London, Ontario
Dear Lonely:
I'm glad to be of help here at the Menno
News. I can see where your woman problems come from: you're looking for a
girl in electronics class. The way I see it, if you date someone who is in
the same subject as you, you automatically have something to talk about. I
suggest you find a girl that you can't relate to at all. That's right, search
for someone who you have nothing in common with: like a girl in geology or
acting. That way, you two will have nothing to discuss and you won't feel
guilty about watching TV while she's in the room. One thing that I have learned
is that there's nothing like peace and quiet in the long run.
Dear Abe:
I was minding my own business watching
T.V. with my uncle and my 15-year-old cousin when the phone rang. The call
was for me. After I took the call in the kitchen, I came back to find my cousin
sitting in my chair. I asked for my place back and his response was "tough
beans". I was upset and tried to remove him from the chair. We got into
a brief tussle, which I eventually won. After I took my seat back, my cousin
left. My uncle was obviously upset. Was I wrong to want my chair back? Please
tell me what I should do if this happens again.
Chair Crusader Waterloo, Ontario
Dear Chair:
You should have been given your seat
back when you returned, but physical violence never solves anything. To avoid future
problems, I suggest an age-scale seating arrangement. The oldest family members
can choose which chair they want to sit in first. The next youngest choose
second, and so on down the scale. If there are no chairs left, old cucumber
crates can be brought in. If there is no room left and the kids are still
looking for a place to sit, send them outside to mow the lawn or clean the
windows. Kids like to do yard work anyway, that’s why they’re around.
Dear Abe:
I was reading in a magazine that by
the year 2020, 69 million of us will be 65 or older, nearly double the number
currently that age. Nine million will be 85 million or older compared to a
third of that today. But exactly what is "old"?
Feeling Old, Winnipeg, Manitoba
Dear Old:
Firstly, you know that you’re getting
old when you start to become a magician. You put your keys on the dresser at
night, and they wind up in your coveralls in the morning. You put your socket
wrench beside the screwdrivers and it ends up under the sofa. Secondly, everything
moves too fast or is too loud. You can’t follow the new Coke ads on TV. You
don’t turn on the radio in your car anymore. Thirdly, you start saving church
bulletins and actually go back and read them to stay on top of things.
Dear Abe:
I’ve been married for several years
and am very happy except forone thing – my husband’s snoring. “Henry” begins
to snore the minute he lays down which keeps me up most of the night. I can’t
function properly during the day because I’m not getting enough rest. I’ve
told Henry how I feel, but he says that there is nothing he can do about it.
I need your help.
Sleepless in Elkhart, Indiana
Dear Sleepless:
I get complaints about sleep disorders
all the time. Your husband’s snoring wouldn’t be a problem if you had separate bedrooms.
When I was a kid, my parents didn’t even sleep in the same building. My mother
slept in the bedroom, while my father simply fell asleep sitting on the tractor
in the barn. If separate rooms are not possible, you should change your routine
during the day to maximize sleep time. I suggest that you work so hard that you
fall asleep as soon as you hit the pillow. That way, you don’t have to lie
awake and listen to his snoring. Take up a new project. Strip and refinish your
kitchen table. Install a new sump pump. If you’re lying in bed awake, don’t
complain, get up and clean the windows. The next time you lie down, you’ll be
too exhausted to be annoyed.
Dear Abe:
I’m a forty-four-year old man and have
been finding that I don’t have the energy to do the things I normally do.
I used to be a really active guy: I biked, played softball and did a lot of
yard work, but lately, I can’t find the energy to even mow the lawn. What’s
happening to me?
Exhausted in Essex County, Ontario
Dear Exhausted:
I know how most of you middle-aged guys
are feeling. I know what you’re going through. I’d be sitting in my living
room listening to my wife discuss her day when suddenly, my leg falls asleep.
Or I’d be climbing the stairs and halfway up, I’d have to move over to let
the cat pass me. Most people know that as the years pass, you have less energy.
A lot of doctors will tell you that it’s your crazy work schedule, your diet
of sausage links, or that you never exercise. In reality, it’s all in your
mind. You mind has quietly watched for forty-some years while your body got
hit with baseballs or ached from lifting too much drywall. Now, your brain
is fed up with registering all that pain. One day, when you weren’t using
your brain, your mind sent out a message to your muscles, telling them to
fall asleep or cramp up. This tired feeling your getting is just self-preservation.
Be thankful that you body is too tired to do things, it’s saving your life.
Need
Abe’s advice?
Send your letters to him at mennonews@yahoo.com