Menno Sightings
By
Isaac Isaacs
When asked whether they think if
MENNO
SIMONS is
dead, most people tend to laugh at such a ridiculous question. But for some of his followers, that question
cannot be answered simply. Over the
past five years, there has been a rash of Menno sightings in North America and
throughout the world. Does Menno Simons
still walk the earth? The Menno News
set out to discover the truth.
Few people realize that Mennonite Central
Committee [MCC], based in Akron, Pennsylvania has formed a strategic team
dedicated to investigating Menno sightings worldwide. Fox Mantler, head of the Menno Simons Identification
Task Force, states that most of the Menno sightings he has examined share
several things in common. “Many people
describe an old man with a white beard wearing a long, black robe.
However, the most distinguishing feature is his single wooden crutch.” According to Mantler, the majority of Menno sightings occur at yard
sales, softball games and church potluck suppers.
“I
suddenly felt like I was in the middle of a horse stable”
Witnesses further describe strange physical phenomena during a Menno sighting. Many report that their digital watches and other electronic devices stopped working. Lights would suddenly flicker and turn off. Others speak of unusual odours. One victim recalls, “Although it wasn’t unpleasant, I suddenly felt like I was in the middle of a horse stable.”
Menno was most recently seen at a
community sale in Kitchener-Waterloo by Elma Warkentin. “I was busy working at our church rollkuchen
booth when a man suddenly appeared in front of me. At first, I thought it was Elvis, but
I didn’t remember the King ever having a beard. I gave him a piece of rollkuchen and he took it gladly. Then, the man turned around and vanished. Other ladies later saw him at the zwieback
and wareneki stands.”
Elvis sightings:
Not to be confused with the Anabaptist leader
Mantler believes that the increase in
Menno sightings may be a sign of the times.
“Society seems to be drifting further and further away from organized
religion. I can’t help but notice that
our office sees more sightings during certain worldwide events. Although we were pretty busy during the Gulf
War and Bosnia, we’ve been most active ever since Britney Spears came out.”
If Menno reportedly died in 1561, why
are so many people still seeing him?
Mantler offers two explanations.
“Menno may be able to cross the space-time continuum thus allowing him
to travel to any moment in time according to the principles of quantum metaphysics set forth by Einstein. Or, he may just be waiting to get a perfect score in crokinole.”
Mantler stresses that during a Menno
sighting, there is no need for alarm.
“Our investigators have found that these sightings are a rather pleasant
experience. Obviously, he’s not going
to hurt anyone, being a pacifist and all.”
Elma Warkentin agrees. “He was
very polite, and he comes from a good family.
Besides, he bought a cherry platz on the way out.”
Report a Menno sighting:
Write
to us at mennonews@yahoo.com